Guardians of the Galaxy: United
by George Lucas Official
Summary: Peter and Rocket set out on an epic quest


"The Hubble Deep Field Space Telescope!" proudly proclaimed an upstanding and somewhat giddy Peter Quill, AKA Starlord, to the small rodent-like "Rocket". Starlord sat with his eyes bloodshot open as he recounted his favorite field trip he had went on with Yondu when he was but a babe.

"Go on Peter, don't keep me in suspense!" Rocket demanded.

Big mistake.

Starlord cricked his neck slowly to the side as if not understanding a single word of what Rocket had just asked.

"Sorry, Rocket, I uh, I didn't quite catch that. It sounded like you said _Peter!"_ Starlord let loose a whooping laugh of exaggerated joy. He raised his hand to his eyes and mimicked searching about the room. "I sure don't see any Peters in here, do you?"

Rocket's smile slowly wiped itself off its furry face to be replaced by a putrid and somewhat disturbing blank drooling expression.

"Peter."

Rocket's voice had descended a thousand octaves, and he looked Starlord dead in the eye. "You will bring me a virgin untouched by sin in five moons time. If you fail to do so, I will eat this cat!" Rocket raised a cuddly kitty to his blood red eyes.

Peter gulped nervously. He knew he had to do it. But could he?

Moon I

Starlord expanded all of his searching methods and began with an excavation site in Japan. They were searching for dinosaur fossils, so Starlord was sure he could find a nerd here somewhere.

"Excuse me, uh, KONICHIWA!" Starlord screamed. He raised a loaded gun to the terrified crowd of diggers who raised their Asian hands in self defense. "No habla English bitches!?" Starlord asked a second time.

No luck here.

Moon II

This time round, Starlord thought that the cavernous cancoons of Drax's Grandmother's vagina.

"Excuse me, but, that is _mine!"_ scolded the old and wrinkled alien in response to Starlord poking around her no-man's land with a plunger.

"Don't you understand?" Starlord asked desperately.

Grandma Drax shook her withered head ten times so that Starlord got the message.

Moon III

In his vacation Starlord decided to have a glance about the lands of Aussie. Unfortunately, Starlord did not speak their dialect.

"What is it with these THINGS?" he said as he continued to strike any one of those disgusting humans that dared cross his path. The Aussie's should have realized what they needed to do to prepare for Starlord's coming. No child survived, they were too weak.

Only Starlord walked out of that land without a speck of dust on his shoulder, let alone blood.

Moon IV

He was becoming desperate. Starlord locked himself in his bathroom for about two hours to take a shit, but in reality, he was crying. The international law stated that crying in an unmarked country bathroom was a federal crime of the highest degree, and after his last drug bust, Starlord couldn't afford even more unwanted attention.

"Spittle spittle, miss nipple!" he recounted to himself in an assuring way. That was a children's nursery rhyme from his childhood. Even as he said it, he felt warmth flood through his body.

Moon V

This was time. Heading back to Rocket's abode, Starlord hung himself in a dejected posture. He had failed. He had failed himself. He had failed the kitty. Everyone.

Just when he was about to give up hope, however-

"Wait a diddly darn second!" Starlord stuck his finger in the air and ascended fifteen meters before plummeting back down. " _I_ am a virgin!"

With a click of his heels in mid air he sprinted off towards Rocket who said twiddling his ears by the fireplace.

"Well?" He demanded as Starlord approached.

Star let out a deep breath and told his story.

"Well, after a long journey of searching hard, I finally discovered the truth. What's most valuable is right in front of you. In this case, it's me. The _virgin._

Rocket sat with disbelief on his furry visage before tenderly caressing his tail into extinction. Starlord jumped right into town below. After all, they were on a rocket ship.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rocket wondered aloud. Starlord caught his thoughts in mid air and munched down on them with a fork and knife.

"The kitty, he's safe then?" Starlord sent back.

Rocket grinned suspiciously and yawned so wide that Starlord could see the kitty purring inside his throat.

"You...you _birthed_ it?" Starlord suggested accusingly.

After all, folks, what's most valuable in life is always right in front of you.


End file.
